Moved

Just in case you didn't get the message, this blog has moved to

http://www.typewritermachine.com

Please update your bookmarks accordingly. There isn't as much content over there as there is here, but it's something I am building on slowly. Since I now have my own domain and hosting, I will be able to add more than was capable of doing here, so stay posted.

-xoxo-
Mich Mash

Hail the Conquering Hero!

Here's something amazing.

My desktop computer is working again! My wonderful husband used his superior computer fixing skills and brought it back up for me in a matter of hours. I'm so happy. But I really don't know where to start as far as getting everything organized and back on track goes. Before this thing died, the computer was basically my life. Well, to some extent. I really did consider myself a very digital kind of person, being up with the times and what not. I had things fairly well organized, but then it all crashed and I am sort of at a place where I have to start over. Fortunately, thanks to the fact that I bought a big external hard drive, I didn't lose any files at all, so that's good. I have so many files, though. So many.

So now I have to reorganize my iPod again and do all that good stuff, but that will be kind of fun for me.

I am going to try not to spend too much time on the computer when there are other things to be done, though. I think that will be easy for me because I have had quite a lengthy hiatus from the world of technology.

I'm glad to be back online. And as a bonus, for my birthday, which is coming up, I've decided that I want to start my own website again, so be prepared. I should be getting my new domain and hosting service set up tomorrow. I am really excited to have a place to finally be able to store all of my photography, art, thoughts, etc. I have big plans. Big plans indeed. I think web design is extremely fun and challenging, and I really like having a personal website where I can let my creativity be on display for people to enjoy.

I don't know. A sort of digital Mich Mash if you will.

These thoughts are somewhat disjointed and loose, so I will leave them here and you may try and work with them if you wish. I am going to go do some dishes and wake up my napping son.

Discomfort

Today is the fifth day in a row I have been sick, so I finally got off my bum and phoned the awful Army doctors, which is something that I normally avoid at all costs and whom I am loathe to admit that I need due to their whole free medical care deal. I despise going to the military base for anything other than cheap alcohol and sushi, but it's sort of good I did I guess because it turns out I haver a bad case of bronchitis.

Unfortunately for my drug-free lifestyle, this means prescriptions, and lots of them. I won't say which ones, but I was given five, and will only be taking two for the full prescription, two until my coughing/wheezing/inability-to-breathe-to-the-point-where-I-can't-talk crap subsides, and one that I swear I will never stick in my body even if it literally kills me.

I hate taking prescriptions. Usually I'm a vitamins/hot tea/vegetable soup/saline solution/occasional Motrin kind of medicine taker, but this isn't going away on its own and I can't breathe. So I'm caving, but only for six days.

I hope it kicks in soon, because I am feeling like I'm at half lung capacity as it is. I don't know what I'm actually at, but it hurts.

Oh yeah and I have an ear infection and my wisdom tooth is killing me.

Ugh. Naptime. This took too much effort to type.

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Good Things

JT is home. I am incredibly happy to have him here. It is strange, in a way. I feel like I have been living in a trance or a daze since he left. Going through the motions of life and living one day at a time and not spending a whole lot of time analyzing every tiny thing. Emotional stability, I think they call it. I have emotions. I feel happy and sad and angry and frustrated and excited and everything else, but there are no more extremes, and its kind of weird because I spent many years with my emotions on my sleeve. Life is so great right now.

I feel good having him home. Its like he never left. Routines are stable. Conversation is open. Affection is deep. The care we show for each other is genuine and sweet. I am so in love with this man.

There is great anticipation for things to come. JT was accepted to OCS, and we're told we are going to find out his class date very soon, though I do not want to reveal said date here. We should also find out his branch. He might not have to go back to Afg. I don't know yet. Also there's a really good loan in the near future for us, with a 2% interest rate, and I don't want to say how much the loan is for but it will be something where I can do credit transfers and get rid of my credit cards, and maybe get a new car, or anything we need. Get things set up.

There's also the very great possibility of leaving Tennessee. Plus G is starting kindergarten in the fall.

I don't know how coherent this all is. I am really sick right now. JT caught some bug, probably on the plane or in Kuwait or somewhere, and I got it the next day. I took some of this Tylenol stuff that contains pseudoephedrine, the kind of non-prescription stuff you can't buy over the counter anymore, and it clears my sinuses but it gives me the horrible jitters. It reminds me of having too much coffee or having an anxiety attack or something. Its a crappy side effect but at least I can breathe and my head is no longer pounding and my tooth no longer hurts. (My wisdom tooth has been infected for weeks now and it makes my jaw feel like its cracked in two.) I usually never, ever take any kind of medicine except the occasional motrin, but my pain is so severe right now that I kind of had to.

Anyway, besides being sick, cracked out on stimulant non-prescription drugs, being on my period, feeling bad that I can't take G to the park and feeling bad that JT is doing the dishes while he is on leave, I am okay. Having him home makes this stuff not as bad as it would have been were it just me here.

I just feel disjointed in my thoughts.

I will try to say more later. I'm tired.
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Vote for Me, First Draft

You can't vote yet, but I will let you know with links when you can. I expect and appreciate your support. Here is the final draft of my statemtent of interest, typos and grammatical errors included. Yes, I have been nominated for a PROMINANT *snort* seat on the MFSO board of directors as the Southeast Regional Representative. I will let you know when you can vote for me. (It will be after April 25th, 2008)
Opinions welcome. (P.S. This is MAJOR shit, dude.)

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My name is Michelle Tucker, and I appreciate your consideration for the Southeast Representative seat on the MFSO board of directors. I am the wife of an active duty 101st ABN DIV soldier out of Fort Campbell, Kentucky. My husband, who has recently been accepted, in the top ten, by direct select, to attend Officer's Candidacy School (OCS) and is awaiting his orders, is currently serving a fifteen-month tour in Afghanistan. He has been in the Army since 1998, first a Reservist, then, as of 2004, an active duty soldier. He also served a 12 month tour of duty in Iraq from September 2005 - September 2006. My husband is not the only soldier in my family. Both of my grandfathers served in their day. My father's father was also a 101st ABN DIV soldier, attached to the 10th MT DIV, and fought alongside his fellow soldiers, many of whom died, in the famous Battle of Bastogne in WWII. My mother's father (deceased), was separated from his brand new bride for 14 months when he was drafted to run a coffee shop in the Korean War.

My husband and I have been married for six years, currently live in Clarksville, Tennessee, and we have one son, who is five years old. I gave birth to him just two days after the first bombing raid on Baghdad, and ever since then, though the war was still new, I have felt that there was and is hope for the end of this fruitless campaign. I am a stay-at-home mother, a painter, freelance photographer, and activist. I have dedicated my life to my God first, my family second, and my desire to help others third, and my art last, but each of these things receives great weight and love and passion in my heart and my soul and the events in my life that surround them. I have great respect for people of all races, nationalities, creeds, backgrounds, and religions, as long as they take it in turn to respect and love one another in turn. I honestly believe that we are all created equal; whether we are from a little town in Nebraska or an island in the Pacific, a priviledged home or a neglected basement apartment, everyone deserves to be treated with the same basic understandings.


I am very much against the current occupation - Yes! I said occupation - in Iraq. I strongly feel that the war in Iraq is baseless, is a waste of precious commodities that could be better used elsewhere, and that all soldiers must be brought home immediately and they and their families cared for. I have seen too many lives ruined, too many marriages destroyed, and too many children devastated as a DIRECT result of the long stints away from home, strenuous fighting conditions, injuries, deaths, and other traumatic and heartwrenching experiences too numerous to count. If I am elected into a seat on the Board of Directors, I hope to bring an objective opinion to the table in matters relevant to MFSO and its mission and core beliefs, which mirror my own personal beliefs and experiences, as well as perform any and all duties required of me with exceptional success and efficiency. In addition, I extend my support also to the family members left behind, waving their flag for their husband or wife, their son or daughter, their mommy or daddy, neice or nephew.

We've been saying bring them home soon long enough. I say it's time to bring them home NOW.

Thank you.

The question is not "why do I ask about the divinity of Jesus Christ?"

The question is, "Why do I wait until I drink to ask questions about the divinity of Christ."

Certainly this would be a more noble task set before me were I sober.

I just called animal control. There's a hatch open under my building and at least five or six cats live there, and one of them is pregnant. I don't necessarily want them destroyed, but there's a big ol' pregnant mama! What els can I do? Its really really sad. I'm waiting for a responding vehicle.

I feel stupid and pensive.

Hate my brain.

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I Love The Sound Of Earthquakes In The Morning

I kid you not, I woke up at 4:35 this morning and immediately after opening my eyes and staring at my Glade Plug-in nightlight thing for about a second, I heard a loud pop, and my apartment and my bed shook violently for about two or three seconds. I don't remember exactly how long but I had enough time to jump up and walk quickly down the hall and was in the living room before it stopped. Nothing fell off my walls or shelves or anything thankfully, but I stood there for a minute wondering what the hell had happened. Gas explosion? Did the neighbors come home and start jumping up and down? Earthquake?

The latter was true. There was a 5.4 magnitude earthquake in Illinoise about forty-something miles north of Evansville, Indiana, which is close to where I used to live when we lived in Morganfield, Kentucky.

Now those of you in the west will go...okay...big deal...go back to bed. But I am from Florida. We don't HAVE earthquakes there. This is new to me. I wasn't scared of course but I was sort of freaked out. I called the newspaper and several radio stations and the police station to find out if it was an earthquake for sure. Finally called my mom and she heard on the news. So now I'm in the know.

Wild!

So horray for my first earthquake! If only I could go back to sleep, or if it had happened at 6am or something instead of at 0' dark thirty. I guess I'm in for a long day.

A Different Form of Activism.

Talking to my friend JA tonight.
Talking about activism.
Talking about making a difference.
Talking about feeling small.
Talking about doing some good in the world.
Talking about ignorance.

These things are always on my mind and yet I haven't put much weight on it for myself, personally, because I have been caught up in my own "situation" at home. I put the word in quotes because I don't prefer to view it as being that, but that's what most other people call it, so I don't know how else to term it at the present moment, though I am always open to suggestions; but I digress.

I do a little bit. I'm more active in MFSO these days, though I am still waiting for things to really pan out there as far as the long term is concerned - and yes, I do view it as a long-term committment, though I am practical and assume that my roles within the organization can and may change over time. I think about my old desires to join the Peace Corps, and I don't think it's entirely out of the question still, but I think that it may not happen for a long time.

I have had a hard time thinking about activism these days because it seems I have been so caught up in my own problems, and I really think that the time is coming where I need to put some of those concerns aside and focus on greater pursuits, because I think that I can be involved in my own life and still give a part of it to some other cause.

As far as where I will be in ten years, I don't know. I don't even know where I am going to be in six months, to be completely honest. That's how tumultuous my life is at this point. (Tumultuous is not a negative connotation in this blog entry - it's just a term I am using to emphasize instability in circumstance.)

As a result of my current lifestyle, which I prefer as a substitute to "situation" so we will go with that, I *have* been trying to focus on things like being content with where I am and who I am, with living the day-to-day, with being open to new ideas and prospects, with seeking peace and understanding, with battling complacency and stagnancy. I take it slow, and I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with that. I know the time will come when things will speed up and I will speed up and things will happen at a different pace, but for now this is where I am and I will learn how to be happy. And I AM happy.

Talk about small strides! To me, I feel like I'm improving when I change shampoo brands or buy all-natural, biodegradable kitchen cleaners. Yes, that's pretty small, but I'm not breathing in as many toxins. If I could quit smoking, then I'd be GOING PLACES! I'm not quite to that level, though, so don't go buy me the patch just yet. My next step is to clean my kitchen. Small strides. Small steps.

I am going to be the age that I am now for another 23 days. Then it will be my birthday (May 7th, btw) and I will be another year older, another year wiser. I think that my resolution for these last 23 days will be to renew myself every day in whatever small way that I can, even if it's just renewing myself by way of waking up in the morning, having one less cup of coffee than I usually do, taking a hot shower right away, putting my hair up, slapping on some sexy shade of lipstick, and reading a few pages in my Bible before I start taking care of business as usual. I won't bitch, I won't moan, I won't feel sorry for myself because I'm not somehow perpetuating the revolution. I've done enough of that. I really have. I am one person, and I am a small person. I am meek, and I am humble (usually...I think...), and I have to be okay with that or nothing better will happen for me. Right? Right? Are you listening?

Oh yeah, and I will send that letter to my Senator that I have been telling myself I would send for a freaking week now, and I will cancel Gamefly, because it's wasting my money and I never use it.

Small steps.
Big changes.


I love my friends. And I love that they are small, too. Because it's natural and it's human and it works.

Oh yeah, I've been drinking. Can't you tell?

Nothing Much to Say

I've been realizing lately that I am in this self-isolating mindset these days. I haven't left the house much, I haven't socialized at all for the most part, I don't get on the phone as much as I used to, I certainly haven't been online like I used to. I don't really know why, though, and I certainly don't think it's because I don't have the energy, though that might be a small part of it. I have just been feeling very internal and introverted, which is quite contrary to my usual personality. It's not because I am somehow depressed or anything like that, I guess I have just felt kind of like I don't have a lot of interesting things to say, and sometimes the things that I do want to say don't seem to hold much weight in social circles, so when I do go out, I sit quietly a lot.

I did get commissioned to do another piece, though, so there's a good report. Seems I don't even really have to advertise. People up here are starving for artwork. Or anyway, a couple of people. I'm doing a drawing right now, but I think it's going to evolve into something much more than that.

I don't know.
I know I'm not particularly talkative. Like I said, I have been internalizing a lot lately. Not because I'm sad, but mostly just because I don't feel like what I have to say is easy to put into words.
Or something.

Maybe I'm just tired.

Anxiety

What can I say about the past few days?

I have been a nervous wreck. I am anxious and overwhelmed. I had a severe panic attack the other day and spent the better part of my morning on the phone crying and talking to my mom. Like...feeling for the first time in a long time that I really just wanted my mommy I guess. Haha.

I have been in need of quiet and solitude like I have never needed it before. I haven't felt like doing anything except keeping to myself, and that's pretty much exactly what I have been doing. Except for going to church and taking Gabriel to the park, I have just been at home, taking care of myself and taking care of my apartment in the best way that I can. I was sick for a couple of days, and I think that plus just general anxiety have really overtaken me physically and emotionally and mentally, and I am able to cope, definitely, but I am not able to cope with a lot.

So this has been a serious mental health week for me, I guess.

I mean, it's really to the point where my hair is falling out and my entire body is very shaky and a lot of commotion makes me very tense.

Why?

I don't know, really. My mom had these kinds of things happen to her all the time while I was growing up, and I never really had that problem until now. Yeah, I've had some mild issues with depression and anxiety, but never like this. I've been trying not to worry people at all with it, but I definitely have been a little worried. Perhaps that's just part of feeling anxious. I don't really know.

I think this deployment is just really grating on my nerves.
But JT is coming home for leave soon, and I am looking forward to it very much. More than you can possibly know.

So I don't know. Just trying to hold myself together for a little while longer until it passes. I don't know why I am feeling this way except that maybe I am overwhelmed, and maybe I have been too busy for the past few months, and I really think that everything that I have been doing to keep busy is finally starting to catch up with me. I haven't taken very much time to just take care of myself, I have been so concerned with just staying as busy as possible so that I don't get depressed or lonely or whatever. Instead I stayed too busy and now I am anxious, which is a much worse feeling than depression I think.
Or anyway, it's different.

I don't know.
I'm fine really, just in need of some peace and quiet and comfort. I have been trying to read my Bible a lot more, because I find peace there. It's all I can do for now, but it is something.

On that note, I think I need to go to bed. It's only 8:30pm, but I probably need the rest.